What to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce

What to Say to Support a Friend Going Through Divorce

By

Gabrielle Applebury

Using her Grand.A. degree and experience in the mental health field, Gabrielle assisted families with co-parenting after a divorce, processing divorce with children, and maintaining appropriate boundaries after a divorce.

Read More

One thousand.A., Spousal relationship and Family unit Therapy

Knowing what to say to a friend who is going through a divorce can feel really tricky and in that location are definitely things yous should avert saying. Being mindful of your own biases and focusing the chat on your friend'due south support needs lets them know that y'all are there for them equally they process this painful experience.

What Can I Do to Help?

If yous want to assistance with your friend'southward day to day, at that place are plenty of means to to let them know that you lot are there for them equally they motility through the divorce process. Rather than asking what you lot can do to assist, effort to be more than specific so it takes the burden off of your friend. You can say:

• "I'd love to bring you over some dinner tonight," followed with, "What would you similar me to option up for you lot?"
• "I'one thousand heading to the grocery shop today and would similar to take hold of your groceries for you if that's okay." Then clarify, "Text me what yous need and I'll drop it off whenever you'd like."
• "I'd beloved to finish past and help out with any chores or laundry if you'd like," and add together, "Yous deserve a break and I am more happy to assist."

Listen to Them

Some people, especially in the midst of pain, tend to speak circularly, coming dorsum to their emotional process and/or something that feels confusing to them. This is a totally normal aspect of processing and although it may seem repetitive to you, jumping in to effort to trouble solve will typically not work at this stage in the grieving process, nor may it exist something that your friend ever asks of you. Help your friend understand that you hear them by maxim:

• "Information technology sounds like you're feeling hurt by (insert specific state of affairs)."
• "That sounds really difficult."
• "I hear what you're saying."
• "Do you want to talk more about that?"
• "I'1000 here for you."
• "I can empathize why you're feeling that way."

Validate Their Process

Validate your friend's emotional experience so they not only feel heard only also understood and supported. To practise then, you lot can say:

• "It sounds similar (insert experience) fabricated you feel (insert emotion)."
• Going through (insert experience) sounds really difficult."
• "I'm hear to heed if y'all want to tell me more nearly (insert experience)."
• "That must have felt really stressful."
• "Thanks for sharing that with me- that was really brave of you to say."

Make Plans With Them

Brand concrete plans with your friend that you'll both wait frontwards to. Proceed in mind that depending on where they are at in their emotional process they may want to prevarication low instead of going out, and try not to take it personally if they refuse. They may feel too emotionally exhausted to spend time with someone else at the moment. You can say:

• "I'd beloved to have you out for some food or coffee if you'd like," and and then offer, "I am too happy to pick something upwards for u.s. if that's easier."
• "Would yous like to meet a movie tonight?"
• "Are you lot up for going for a hike sometime this calendar week?"

If your friend declines, enquire them if it'southward okay if you check in once again with them during the week. Some people similar to process alone for a chip, while others appreciate it when their friends attain out. It'due south always best to have your friend have the pb when it comes to plans.

Help With Transitions

Going from married to unmarried tin feel overwhelming for some individuals. It can feel even more intense if pets and/or kids are in the mix. This huge shift tin can make your friend's life more stressful equally they effigy out potentially a new residence, go through the process of redecorating, come up with new pet and/or kids' schedules, and begin to adjust to their new routine. To help your friend with these transitions, you tin can say:

• "I know you're in the process of moving, and I'd love to help you pack up and organize if that'due south okay with you lot."
• "Do you need me to pick up annihilation for your kids' new rooms?"
• "Would you similar me to picket your pets today?" Add something like, "I know you have a lot going on today and I'd dear to spend time with them."
• "Would you like me to selection upwardly your kids from school today?" You can besides say, "I know y'all're extra busy with the move and I'm more than happy to lend a hand."
• "Let me know if you'd like whatsoever help decorating the new place or if y'all want me to come by and help yous unpack anything."
• "Would you like me to clean your new place before you brainstorm unpacking?" Let them know you're willing to aid by adding, "You know how much I love cleaning and I'yard happy to do information technology."
• "I know you ordinarily spent (insert solar day or time) with (insert ex partner'southward proper name), would you like to encounter for (insert activity) this calendar week instead?"

What to Avoid Proverb to Someone Getting a Divorce

Even with the best intentions, sometimes the incorrect words just come up out. If you lot can, effort to avoid saying anything that comes off as judgmental or controlling. This is your friend's time to process, and it is more than probable going to expect different from how you process. If you lot do say something that doesn't land well with your friend, apologize and own up to it. The final affair they need is boosted stress right at present, specially from their support system.

Don't Trash Their Partner

Even though it may feel tempting to denigrate your friend'due south ex-partner, resist the urge. Your friend may yet need to collaborate with their ex-partner for logistical reasons, may co-parent with them, or may want to somewhen be friendly again with them. Even if your friend is going to town on trashing their ex partner, just hear them out and validate them without adding in your own opinion. If your friend does reconnect or befriend their ex partner once again and they know yous don't like them, it tin create an awkward state of affairs for everyone. Try to avert saying:

• "They weren't good plenty for you."
• "I can't believe yous stayed with them for this long."
• "I knew it wouldn't work out, they were never a great spouse."
• "I totally agree with what you are saying, (insert friend's ex partner'due south name) is the worst."
• "I'm and so aroused (insert friend's ex partner's name) hurt yous."

Don't Only Focus on Your Version of Positive

Soley focusing on the silver lining tin can invalidate your friend's experience and may make them feel closed off to really sharing their true feelings with y'all. Try to avoid proverb:

• "You're better off without them."
• "Everything will go amend soon."
• "This is for the best."
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "God has a programme for you."

Don't Offer Unsolicited Advice

While y'all may feel inclined to offer your opinion, it'due south all-time to pause and ask yourself if your friend wants your opinion. Earlier offering whatsoever advice, always ask and respect your friend'due south answer. Effort not to say:

• "Your situation is just like mine," or, Here's what I did..."
• "You need to...."
• "You should exist...."
• "Have yous thought most....."

Don't Make This About You

Divorce and separation can feel really triggering to someone whose parents divorced during their childhood and/or they experienced a divorce or separation themselves. Before y'all accomplish out to your friend, check your ain biases and note what has triggered you in the by. Keep in listen that your triggers and your friend'south triggers may be different and while you lot may have some similarities in terms of experience, your friend's process will be unique. Practice non say:

• "I would never divorce."
• "I believe divorce is a sin."
• "I know exactly how you feel, but I would never...."

Instead, offer kind, supportive, and non-judgmental words that focus on your friend's feel and not your own. You can certainly let them know that you experienced something similar and would exist happy to share what helped you cope if they'd like. Always ask for permission before delving into your own feel.

How to Be a Good Friend to Someone Getting Divorced

While you may experience nervous about saying the wrong thing to a friend going through a divorce, it'due south important to be there for them and provide non-judgmental support. Let your friend to accept the atomic number 82, offering kind words of back up, and let them know specific ways you're able to help them out if they'd similar.

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